Imagine yourself walking across the green in between classes. Walking toward you is a girl who lives on your floor. You don’t really know her. You’ve spoken to her maybe once on move-in day and once again during your first hall meeting, but you don’t really know her. You both have your own friend groups and are completely content with the limited interaction that you have had. As you’re thinking all of this through, you move closer and closer together until you are within talking distance. All of a sudden you are making eye-contact and the recognition is there, but you don’t know what to say. Before thinking it through you blurt out, “How are you?” The problem is, you don’t really care how this girl is doing. It’s not personal by any means, but you just aren’t genuinely interested in this girl’s day and you instantly regret not just simply saying hi. The girl replies with a vague “good” followed up by asking about your well-being. You also reply with a “good,” but by the time you reach this point in the conversation – if you could really call this impersonal interaction a conversation – you and the girl are no longer within speaking distance.
I’ve come to believe that the idea that asking “how are you” is almost superficial and actually hinders interpersonal communication instead of enhancing it. The first time I realized this was when I was at a camp over the summer having a conversation with some of the other co-counselors and one of the leaders. My leader, Matt, brought up the fact that whenever he is asked how he is, he answers genuinely and expects the person who asked to be engaged in the conversation and willing to hear about whatever is going on in his life. Doing that takes a lot of courage because I have noticed that personally whenever I am asked how I am doing my default answer is “good,” even if I’m not because I don’t expect the person who asked to actually care. This can impact relationships between people. If people assume no one actually wants to hear about how they are doing, they might hold in their problems until they boil over and cannot be dealt with. This can also prevent people from making connections with others that could potentially become really good friends.
The “how are you” epidemic is not just a hypothetical situation on college campuses, but one that I and people I know have directly experienced. Just the other day I was walking from my dorm over to Perkins for a study session for my first communications exam when I saw two guys that I had gone to school with since Kindergarten back in New Jersey. We were never really friends, but we had had numerous classes together over the years and rode the same bus so we clearly knew each other. As we approached I decided to just let the situation play out and then respond accordingly. The one guy said, “hey,” and I replied, “hey,” praying that that would be the end to the conversation. But then he followed up with the dreaded question. I answered with the generic, “good,” and then found myself craning my neck around to ask him how he was doing. I left the conversation feeling uncomfortable, wishing that the conversation either had progressed or just ended after my “hello” response.
A similar situation happened in Caesar Rodney the other day with a friend of mine and a girl in his English class. He told me after the encounter that it just made him feel awkward since he and the girl knew they didn’t really care about each other, so why even pretend? Some may argue that it would be impolite not to, but I personally don’t see a difference with just saying “hello” – a response that would avoid superficiality. Students on college campuses and people in general should keep “hello” for the public and the “how are you” for when they really care.
Imagine yourself walking across the green in between classes and walking toward you you see a girl who lives on your hall. You don’t really know her; you’ve spoken to her maybe once on move-in day and once again during your first hall meeting, but you don’t really know her. You both have your own friend groups and are completely content with the limited interaction that you have had because you doubt your interests match up. As you’re thinking all of this through, you move closer and closer together until you are within talking distance. All of a sudden you are making eye-contact and the recognition is there, you say, “How are you?” At first you are surprised that that is what you chose to say; however, in the moment there was a part of you that genuinely wanted to know. The girl looks startled that you asked her and starts to walk past, but then turns and says to you, “Honestly? Not great.” You look at your phone and check the time – 1:10 – class starts in fifteen minutes, but you’re only two minutes away from your building. You and the girl walk over to the nearest bench and you find out more about her life. She just found out that one of her family members is really sick in the hospital, but she lives too far away to get home easily. Surprisingly, you had also gone through a similar circumstance recently and are able to talk her through it. Once you calm her down you begin talking about interests and realize that you plan to join some of the same clubs. This girl who you didn’t have any desire to know when you were approaching her from across the green ends up becoming one of your closest friends and future roommates- all because you asked how she was and actually listened to the answer.
