\We’ve all faced situations in which other people urge us to make a particular decision, such as having a certain medical treatment or staying in a difficult marriage, when we ourselves would prefer to do something else. Difficult as those disagreements might be, though, it can be even harder to make a decision when the conflict is internal — that is, we’re not sure in our own minds what the right decision is, whether for ourselves or for others.
As an aid to making good decisions, it might be useful to spend some time thinking about the internal factors that influence how we think. As an example, some older women, in particular, were taught to feel responsible for other people’s emotions and happiness, as if it would be selfish even to consider our own needs or preferences when deciding whether to do what someone else wants us to do. Similarly, some people might have been conditioned to avoid conflict at all costs and to avoid taking risks, while others might have been conditioned to do the opposite.
Writing exercise: What were you taught as a child and as a young adult about how you should make decisions, whether for yourself or for others? As you think about how you feel and behave when you have to make a decision, are you still being influenced by that early training? The objective is not necessarily to judge your early training as good or bad, but to increase self-knowledge about what internal factors influence you when you’re faced with a decision.
You might also want to consider the following factors that psychologists have identified as possible influences on the way people make decisions and how they feel about those decisions afterward.
* Putting your own needs on hold to the point that you start to feel resentful.
* Making excuses for other people’s persistent bad behavior, such as that the person had a difficult childhood or went through some sort of trauma.
* Feeling hesitant to set boundaries as to what you will or won’t do for another person, or how often you’ll to let them get away with doing the same unacceptable thing without meaningful consequences.
* Feeling responsible for solving the other person’s problems, or for “making” them feel better.
* Ignoring a problem or glossing over it in order to avoid conflict, or because you’re afraid of how the person might react to what you see as the truth, or because you’re afraid that they won’t love you any more.
Finally, you might want to use one or more of these quotations as a prompt for writing.
“‘No’ is a complete sentence.” — Annie Lamott
“Intentional or not, I was being taught that my discomfort was unimportant and that the potential of upsetting another outweighed my own feelings.” ― Michelle Elman
“Whether they’re family or friends, manipulators are difficult to escape from. Give in to their demands and they’ll be happy enough, but if you develop a spine and start saying no, it will inevitably bring a fresh round of head games and emotional blackmail. You’ll notice that breaking free from someone else’s dominance will often result in them accusing you of being selfish. Yes, you’re selfish, because you’ve stopped doing what they want you to do for them. Wow. Can these people hear themselves?!” ― Rosie Blythe
