As we all know, what other people say to us can be a source of significant emotional distress. A toxic remark can stick with us for days, even if it wasn’t especially important to the person who said it, and even if that person is not particularly important to us. It might even be someone we don’t know at all, such as an online troll. The remark might seem smug, know-it-all, dismissive of our concerns, or in some other way demeaning and just infuriating.
To begin thinking about this topic, you might want to do the following two writing exercises:
First, think of a time when someone made a remark that really bothered you. Or, if this behavior is habitual with someone in your life, you might think of a few examples. Now write for ten minutes about how those remarks make you feel. This is a time to say everything in writing that you really feel, even if you wouldn’t say it out loud to anyone. Let loose. Be as emotional as you like. The goal is to get at what we’re feeling when this kind of thing happens. As you go along, pay attention to how your body feels – jaw clamped, tightness in belly. If you feel embarrassed by your feelings, as if you shouldn’t be feeling that way, that’s also something to write about.
For the second half of this exercise, write about why you care so much. Why does it matter what that person said? What is it in you that gets in the way of just shrugging it off and forgetting about it? That’s not to suggest that there’s something wrong with being bothered by such remarks. The goal is to take a non-judgmental look at the buttons in us that are pushed by toxic remarks.
In this month’s session, we also discussed taking a step back to shine a light on the other person, rather than letting them frame the discussion in a way that keeps us on the defensive. Why might they be talking that way? What does it say about them? If someone says, “You’re too sensitive,” for instance, doesn’t that suggest that they’re shallow or at least tone-deaf? If there’s merit in what they said, of course it makes sense to make the necessary changes in ourselves. But the problem might lie with them, not with us, if they are in fact being thoughtless or manipulative.
Here are a few quotations that might serve as prompts for further writing.
“I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off. Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have justify your intuition.” ― Shahida Arabi
“If someone thinks you’re being dramatic or selfish, then they obviously haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. It’s not important for you to explain yourself. You get a pass here. Don’t let anyone else try to saddle you with guilt or shame. If you need your space, take it.”
― Sarah Newman
Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.” ― Kamand Kojouri
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.” — WebMD
