Submitted by Siwa Versnel on the 2019 spring semester program in Washington, D.C. …
I would like to take this week to talk about depression while abroad or in a new city. Towards the beginning of the semester, I was overcome with excitement: I was in awe at Washington and at my internship. I loved the feeling of living in a high energy world city again, I felt more productive, and learned that I loved looking and feeling like a professional. I even began to resent aspects of college culture at home: the common practices of skipping class or sleeping in all week and partying on the weekends felt lazy and entitled. Newark felt full of people like that, like a social island of people that refused to grow up. Washington, D.C. felt like a fresh start, a chance to be an adult, to live in the real world. This has held true in many ways, but I realized that my struggles with depression were not tied to place. When the initial excitement wore off, my depressive episodes and anxiety slowly crept back in. I often felt imposters syndrome; not being competent enough at work, not being as ambitious as my roommates, not being capable to exist in the field I want to work in so desperately. Often, I also felt lonely. As much as I love all of my roommates and new friends here, I started missing my friends at home, my house, the people I saw on the weekends. Many of my friends also struggle with mental illness, which can have both benefits and drawbacks. In the first weeks of my time in D.C., I focused a lot on the drawbacks. It’s easy to stay depressed when everyone around you is also depressed, and to wallow in each other’s negative energy instead of being productive. However, my friends were also a fantastic support network, and my sadness was much more comfortable around them. In many cases, including mine, there is no one source of depression or anxiety that you can simply identify and eliminate. Learning that was helpful in getting a handle on my depression without the support network I’m used to. I began building my support network here, learned what things make me feel at peace or happy here. Some days are unfortunately spent taking depression naps and being mildly reclusive, but some are spent laughing away with my roommates, meeting new people and exploring new parts of the city. As the weather gets warmer, my mid-terms come to an end, and my physical health gets better (I have been getting sick very frequently which has only been adding to my depression), I would love to explore even more. At the end of the day, I am so grateful to be here. I get to learn new skills almost every day, I get to visit new places, I get to meet people with the most interesting careers and lives. I am also learning so much more about myself that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. And when I truly miss home, home is but a few hours away! I indulge in this convenience occasionally… but with the city at my fingertips, I can never leave for too long.