Finding Yourself, by Lauren Desimone

I woke up at nine on sunday morning. My room was bright, I looked through my squinty, tired eyes to see the trees violently swaying. If there was a sound for cold I heard it. The wind was strong and made me curl even deeper into my big, white comforter. I hit snooze and slept a little longer. When finally gathering the strength, I woke up got dressed in a fleece and left for white clay creek. Despite my initial fear of the cold, the weather was perfect. Chilly, but the gleaming sun made my skin feel warm.

I sat in my spot like ever other time. I watched the red, orange and yellow leaves fall so rapidly from the trees and land in the water. They would flow away. Another would drop. The pattern continued. When something heavy enough fell into the reservoir it would make a circle wave. The reservoir is in continual motion. Waves are the result of  a disturbance on the water surface and will eventually lose their momentum and disperse their energy so that the pond returns to calm.

This continuous patter seemed soothing at the time but when it was time to leave white clay park and I began to walk towards campus I felt a lump in my throat and before I knew it tears began to flow down my cheeks. Before I left for the reservoir I had caught my roommate in a white lie. Nothing serious but just proved a little bit of dishonesty, which we all have inside us at some points. This one incident was not what brought on the tears but was just proof to me that maybe I am not living out the life that I hoped I would at college. I have been feeling so much pressure and been so anxious lately.

“College is the time in your life when you will truly find yourself” my Mom and Dad always told me this growing up. I believed them. I hoped when I finally made it to college I would find friends that were pure and who shared similar interests to me on another level then my home friends, take classes that are interesting and promote self growth, and to further my passion for environment and self improvement. I hoped to find out who I really am. All throughout high school I hid behind my friends, my last name, and my jersey. I was my own person to a certain extent. I was happy, friendly, likable, athletic, spunky and I was always sure of that. I proved my confidence in school, with friends and sports. But I always knew that there was more to me then that. I wanted to break free of who I should be or what others expected me to be and be sure that I was the person I wanted to be.

I go to college and I meet friends that I trust and are who I want to be friends with and can relate to. I join environmental clubs and take the classes in everything I am interested in. I join the best sorority on campus that promised me “Because you chose sigma kappa you will have the best four years of your life”.  But again I now find myself identifying myself through them. Hiding behind my greek letter so everyone can know “who I am” without even meeting me. I feel like I have lost control but this time around I am not confident in the person that I am. I struggle to always look perfect, say the right things, and be who everyone expects me to. I have so many obligations that I have not been going on outing trips like I promised myself I would. I have the constant stress of my dads illness and feeling so un knowledgable and helpless in the situation. Looking from the outside no one would see this and sometimes I don’t even.

Life just continues to go by rapidly like the leaves falling from the tree and the circle waves. They seems so intense in the begging and then mellow out with time. Just like my anxiety and worries.

Everything I look at in white clay creek is connected. It is so complex but simple at the same time. The intricate tree roots so complicated but form such a strong foundation for the tree. No matter how heavy the winds the tree stands tall and sturdy. I wonder if while the tree was maturing there was a faze when it wasn’t confident it could stand strong in the heavy winds.

As Haskell embraces the violent storm, he focusses on the trees. He is startled by the cracking sounds and fallen branches. “At the storm’s peak, there is strange comfort in my powerlessness. Nothing I do can influence the lashing world that I’m caught in, so surrender follows, and with it comes a curious state: mental clarity wrapped in an electrified body.” (219)Haskell realizes his helplessness in the situation, yet curiously he also seems to find a deeper meaning. Although this state of feeling out of control is frightening he also understands that this storm needs to happen. Branches need to fall so light can enter the mandala and help other vegetation grow. The specific tree itself may be weaker at the moment but the ultimate sustainability of the forest relies on these gaps that allow light to come through.  Everything in nature happens for a reason. It may seem horrible and scary at the time but ultimately makes the system as whole stronger.

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